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The online subculture of incels has garnered an ever more prominent voice in the media as their message of misogyny continues to spread in a world that is becoming less tolerant of such perceived liberties. This community of men known as “involuntary celibates” share and support the views of a self-loathing nature characterized by ambivalence towards wanting a romantic relationship with a woman, yet finding themselves utterly incapable of initiating or maintaining the level of intimacy necessary for such a relationship to develop. In short, incels are men who desire intimacy but despise it at the same time. Their level of hatred for the opposite sex can sometimes reach dangerous extremes when acted on, making them prime candidates for accessible therapy sessions. Therapy as a solution should not be the last resort when thoughts of violence become acts of violence.
In many ways, the layers of ambivalence that incels feel towards sexuality, women, and intimacy are not out of the norm for anyone suffering from attachment issues, but they are taken to an extreme which can become detrimental to the health of the incel, as well as those around them. There are layers to their worldviews that may not be exclusive to incels or even intrinsic to their sexuality but instead are learned character traits rooted in deep self-loathing and self-pity. These character traits can take them to the depths of loneliness and despair, with a feeling of complete lack of control. This is not who they want to be – hence the term “involuntary”. This is where therapy can be of significant help to this community of men who feel shunned from societal norms, yet long to be part of it, creating a shame.
Where there is shame of self, there is often difficulty in asking for help, and particularly for incel, wanting to heal takes a lot of courage to admit in a community which thrives off of women-bashing and an inadequate perceived sense of entitlement. But, once again, the whole basis of the group is that their position in the world is indeed involuntary. This is the small glimmer of hope that incels can first admit they want to change and find their way to therapy. Since this is not exactly an easy subculture to leave, as the hatred which once bonded the group would quickly find a new target, the incel who deserted the creed of pain and resentment. This increases the need for accessible therapy sessions which can help the incel feel less like he is abandoning ship, and more like he is exploring his options in safety.
One of the fundamental beliefs that an incel lacks is trust. Trust in women, in love, in intimacy, in the entire process, and most of all in himself and his capabilities to be a viable partner to his idealization of a woman, known as “Stacy” or “Becky” in the incel community. This trust can be restored through the right type of therapy, and once it is, this is where the healing can begin. Working with appropriate accessible therapy sessions can slowly help an incel face their shame, knowing that there is someone there to guide them through this shadow work. Someone who is not going to leave – perhaps one of the biggest fears of incel relationships. Therapy is vital to helping an incel navigate their way through feelings of frustration, desire, and worthlessness, a process which for someone is so rooted in shame, that it is impossible to do alone.
The incel community is strong, and therapy may not be the answer to a collective voice which seems to be growing stronger but it is the answer to the individual who is ready to take responsibility for their part in self-hatred which leads to hating others. There are two paths an incel can take – continue to rely on others for self-worth and validation, leading to blame and shame of others; or digging deep into their armored ego of protection and finally facing what lies underneath the self-hatred, taking responsibility for their struggles and healing. It is not an easy road, but it is well worth it and perhaps the only option if an incel truly wants to reach an authentic version of himself, not an idealized standard known as “Chad” in the community.